Understanding, Unforgiving
by DeathandJunkfood
Summary: When you mix a plot, a lie, and two people in love, odds are it'll end badly. And when murder is involved, it's almost a certainty. Lily regrets using a particular spell, the Order works to foil a Death Eater scheme, and Lily and James try to keep a secret. Part of the Falling 'verse.
1. The Spell

_**Disclaimer... these characters belong to JKR.**_

* * *

It was a shipment of rare and obscure poisons. Voldemort and his followers didn't need to use poisons, of course, but there was something delightfully sly about them, more delicate that the brute force of Unforgivables.

Lily Potter and Gideon Prewett had been crouched in the shadows of the farmhouse for three hours, the damp slowly seeping into their clothes and skin.

It was an old tumbledown ruin, but Lily could see the edges of it and imagined a family living there, with children and love and chickens that lived in the small coop that they were leaning against.

"I spy with my little eye, something starting with - erm - purple."

Lily sighed. "That's not how it's played, it has to be a letter."

Gideon squinted off into the darkness. "E."

"Eggplant," Lily said immediately. "Er - no, elbow."

"Since when are elbows purple?" Gideon asked her.

"Mine are, I'm freezing."

He was about to reply when Lily slammed her palm over his mouth, hushing him. A light had gone on in the house.

Gideon's frank, hazel eyes widened and Lily's heart broke a little bit. He was nineteen, fresh out of Hogwarts with a dead father and a reckless little brother. Gideon wasn't a fighter by choice. He was kind, and sweet and primarily interested in magical history and the rights of non-wizard magical creatures.

He shouldn't be out here on a moonless night, killing the tedium and terror with stupid car-trip games.

If she could spare him, if she could spare them all.

She watched the window raptly as shadows moved and roiled behind the yellow lit glass.

" _Sonorus_ " she whispered, palming her wand.

The conversation from inside the house rose suddenly, startling the silence that had held.

"... yes, they'll all be there, my lord. All of them, in the one place."

Lily closed her eyes for a moment. _He_ was there, just a few feet up and away from them. Gideon took her hand and squeezed it tightly and Lily thought again about how young they were.

What had Petunia been doing at this age? Going on sedate dates with Vernon, fish and chips before the cinema and home by 10 pm with a chaste kiss on the lips on the front stoop.

There hadn't been nights like this.

"The Confederation is taking considerable precautions but nothing unmanageable for _us_ ," the voice was low and raspy and servile and Lily shuddered, hearing it.

Gideon tapped her arm and pointed around the side of the house, raising his eyebrow. Lily shook her head tightly. They would listen for as long as they could and then leave.

"- 8 o'clock, my lord. The Blacks and Malfoys are already in position with some lower echelons of their houses, who don't bear the name. All is ready."

Lily heard a low murmur of agreement and then something that sounded like the splash of wine into goblets.

She tugged at Gideon's sleeve and the two of them straightened, with some difficulty. She winced, rubbing her back, and caught a flash of movement out of the corner of her eye.

"Down!" Lily shouted, yanking at Gideon and turning on the spot, holding on tight as the two of them were whisked into nothingness.

Lily fought the urge to breathe, her fingers wrapped so right around Gideon's arm that she was sure there'd be bruises.

* * *

When they re-materialized on a dark street corner, they both gasped for air.

"Did they see our faces?" Gideon asked, voice shaking. It had supposed to have been a routine assignment, simple surveillance and information gathering so they would know when the shipment was. An easy task for Lily, and a good way to get Gideon used to the Order.

Lily shook her head, unsure. Before she could say anything, there was a pop and the swish of a cloak and a bolt of red light darting out and surging towards Gideon, who paused like a startled deer.

The light passed through his shoulder, opening a fist sized, bleeding hole. He staggered, and the Death Eater sneered.

"Tracking spells," she informed them in a raspy voice. "Activated once you step onto the property."

Lily couldn't spare a glace for Gideon, who had sunk to his knees on the cold, damp street. She was watching the witch's hand, ready to duck if necessary.

"It's a clever little spell," the Death Eater went on. "Virtually undetectable."

The moonlight sparked off the dirty puddles in the alley, incongruously beautiful.

" _Crucio!_ " the Death Eater screamed, and cackled as Gideon toppled, writhing in agony.

Her heart was drowning in fear and sorrow and the knowledge of what she had to do. Lily raised her wand, and the Death Eater followed. Lily could see a spark of fear in her eyes, like she knew what Lily was about to do.

" _Avada Kedavra_ "

The green was toxic. It was sickening and Lily could feel it burn through her veins, tearing something deep and irreplaceable in her heart.

And in the edge of the light... Lily could see so many things. Abandoned children, crying in cradles. Bleeding bodies on battlefields, dropped in the instant between one heartbeat and the next. And she saw herself standing in the middle of it all, that green light surging and searing and destroying.

The Death Eater dropped like a clockwork toy that hadn't been wound up.

When Lily turned to pull Gideon up, he shrank back from her for a moment, and she saw fear in his eyes.

"Gideon, we have to go," she snapped, eyes on his bleeding shoulder. He was pale, and Lily could see a blankness in his features that felt like a punch to the gut.

"Gideon!"

He looked at her, hazel eyes dark.

"I won't say anything," he whispered.

"What?"

"About her. The Order doesn't have to know."

Lily regarded him for a moment, shock and confusion warring. She realized he was waiting for an answer.

"Ok," she replied, helping him up. "Ok."

* * *

They Vanished the body before leaving.

Headquarters was in an uproar when they got back.

"They've been gone too long," Fabian Prewett was shouting, face to face with Emmeline Vance. "We need to go look for them!"

"Lily and Gideon are adults, Fabian-"

Conversation ceased as Lily helped Gideon limp through the door.

The room was darkened, the candles flickering lowly on the table. Molten wax was dripping, spreading slowly across the dark wood, gleaming silkily.

James was sitting in the corner in a low armchair, Sirius by his side with a hand on his arm. Lily's heart leapt for a moment, before the memory of the alley came pouring back.

"Gideon!" Fabian cried, leaping towards his brother. Gideon wobbled.

James stood so suddenly he knocked the chair back, and Lily took a half step away. She wasn't sure she would be able to hold him, to look into his eyes with the echo of that green light still flashing.

"What happened?" Emmeline asked urgently.

"The International Confederation of Wizards' confirmation of the Supreme Mugwump," Lily said, not looking at James. "They're going to attack it."

* * *

 _ **A.N. Damn, I've been gone for a while. I'm a bit late, but happy new year at Hogwarts! Hopefully you enjoyed the first chapter, and I'd love it if you dropped me a review. Thanks for reading!**_


	2. The Lie

_**Disclaimer... these characters belong to JKR**_

* * *

"How did you get away?"

James was studying Lily carefully as Emmeline questioned her and Gideon. Headquarters was mostly empty – most of the senior members had left, expecting a slow night.

"Lily Stunned the Death Eater and wiped her," Gideon answered before Lily could say anything. He didn't look at her.

Lily closed her mouth and didn't look at James. It felt like a careful dance of avoidance and Lily was sure she couldn't keep it up for long.

Emmeline frowned, the corners of her wide, full mouth turning down. She looked tired – her eyes shadowed, her skin pale even in the golden candlelight. She was drained.

"Did anyone see you? Will they think we'll set a trap?"

"I don't think so," Lily said, glancing over at Gideon. He was looking resolutely away from her, jaw clenched.

"Alright," Emmeline said, rubbing her temples tiredly. She looked suddenly small and entirely out of her depth. "I'll – I'll sort something. Get some rest you lot. Lily – James – you can go home. Gideon, you might want to stay in case that cut opens up again."

* * *

Their cottage was warm and bright, a fire burning in the grate, a kettle on the stove. Lily headed for the sofa, scooping the cat into her arms.

"What aren't you saying?" James asked, following her. Lily petted the cat for a moment. It purred loudly, and James shot it a slightly irritated look.

"The Death Eater that followed us," Lily said matter-of-factly. "I didn't Stun her."

James frowned, and Lily felt a pang. Honesty was the most important part of _them_ , and trust went hand in hand with it.

"Did she get away?" he asked.

Lily shook her head. Outside it was dark, the ground cold and hard. Yesterday it had snowed, and she'd dragged James outside for a few precious moments – snowflakes catching in their hair and eyelashes, the two of them laughing as they kissed slowly on their front lawn. She had felt so young.

"No," Lily said, still not looking at James. She knew he would figure it out. He was smart.

"Did you – Did you-"

"I killed her. Avada Kedavra."

James flinched back from the sound of the curse and Lily felt guilty for the first time since it had happened. Maybe there was something wrong with her, that she only felt her guilt when it was reflected in the eyes of someone else.

"Did you have to?" he whispered. "Was it her or you – did you not have time?"

His voice dropped.

"There has to be an explanation."

"I can't explain," Lily told him, because she couldn't. Because there would never be any excuse big enough or right enough to change the fact that she'd _killed_ someone, and hadn't blinked, or looked away while they died. There was nothing she could do or say to make it the right option, because killing someone was never the right option.

"Gideon was being tortured – I didn't think, James. I always think, but this time – fuck – I don't know. It all just went to hell and I couldn't _think_. What does that make me, that my instinct when I can't think is, ' _oh well, let's_ murder _someone'_?"

"Shit," James breathed. "I'm married to a murderer."

Lily chucked a pillow at his head. He was gazing at her, not looking away from her, not flinching back, like Gideon had done. There was something a little cold, a little calculated in his eyes that almost scared her, like he was figuring out how they would spin this, how they could possibly turn the situation to their advantage.

"What'll we do?" Lily asked. It was ' _we'_ , she was sure. She was always sure, when James was concerned.

"Would sex help, or is that weird?"

The joke sounded forced, so Lily let it slide, staring at him until he closed his eyes.

"Fuck – I don't know. We don't tell them, ok Lily? Never. It's still an Unforgivable, even when it's used on a Death Eater. You'd get life – even the Order couldn't protect you from that."

"I know," Lily said, starting to breathe a little easier. "We don't tell."

* * *

Remus Lupin and Marlene McKinnon arrived by Floo the next day – Marlene collected and elegant, Remus covered in soot, with a hole in his jacket.

"Good morning," Marlene said, raising an eyebrow at James and Lily, who were still in their dressing gowns.

"Tea?" James asked. They didn't see Marlene much these days. She was heading up a special taskforce of Aurors at the DMLE, and even though she was working closely with the Order, her work-life was hectic. And she had changed, since Hogwarts. They all had, but Marlene was the most noticeable. She was focused and ambitious, and she didn't smile as much as she used to. The war had sharpened them all.

"You make terrible tea," Marlene informed him. "I'll never understand why Lily lets you. Her tea is fine."

Lily smiled slightly uncomfortably.

"I'm here to take your statement about last night," Marlene said, sitting across from Lily. "I just visited Gideon. I'm dunno why Remus is here, but he said something about scones."

"Blueberry ones," Remus said absently. "James makes horrible tea but his scones are good."

James met her eyes for a moment, and Lily nodded slightly, cutting her eyes to Remus.

"Come on," James said, tugging Remus' arm. "I think there're some scones in the kitchen."

"We weren't able to find any trace of the Death Eater," Marlene said without further ado. "I mean, normally we wouldn't worry, if you wiped her, but with the Confederation's conference coming up . . . the head of the DMLE is breathing down my neck."

"I'm not sure if I can help," Lily said. "I'm sorry I was so careless – Gideon was bleeding badly and she'd just used the Cruciatus on him. I wasn't thinking too clearly."

Marlene nodded, tucking her straight blonde hair behind her ears. "That's what I figured, and that's what Gideon said too. I'll see you at the meeting tonight, yeah?"

"Yeah, of course," Lily said, smiling at her friend.

"Have a good one, Lil," Marlene waved cheerily as she stepped into the emerald green flames of the Floo.

Lily sat back in her chair and closed her eyes. There had been no trace of suspicion in Marlene's eyes, not even a hint of confusion. She wasn't sure if that was good or bad. Was she so good at lying to her friends that Marlene had thought nothing was wrong?

Remus and James reappeared, Remus clutching a basket of muffins.

"Dumbledore arrived at Headquarters today," Remus was saying. "And Alastor Moody – they've been talking strategy for the Confederation all day. Dumbledore's a member, so it won't seem odd if he's there. And Asami Jun is being appointed Supreme Mugwump – she's been particularly active regarding Voldemort, so it's no wonder they're targeting her. The real question is whether it'll be an assassination attempt or a full blown attack."

"My money would be on attack," Lily spoke up. "They'll want to create as much fear and panic as possible, and the Confederation's responsible for putting most of the pressure on the British Ministry regarding special taskforces and security considerations."

Remus nodded. "Makes sense. I'll see you over there soon?"

"We'll be there in an hour," James replied, and Remus headed for the Floo with his basket of scones.

He waited until Remus was gone before turning to Lily. She shook her head wordlessly.

"Nothing," Lily whispered. "She didn't suspect a thing."

* * *

Headquarters was as full as James had ever seen it. It was a rundown farm house in Kent, the outside laden with protection charms and Muggle-repelling spells. Inside, it was rambling and roomy and warm, with members perched on every available surface.

Dorcas Meadowes was perched on the stairs, chatting to an anxious looking Arabella Figg, and Peter Pettigrew. Emmeline was by the kitchen table with Edgar Bones, and Aberforth Dumbledore was standing in a corner with his arms crossed, looking displeased.

James took Lily's hand for a moment, wanting to offer some sort of comfort, some promise of support. She shot him a quick smile.

"Silence, please!"

Albus Dumbledore strode in from the living room/strategy room. James half-suspected he'd been waiting in there just to make a dramatic entrance.

"You all know why we're here," Dumbledore said, making his way through the crowd until he stood at the head of it. "Due to information gathered last night by Lily Potter and Gideon Prewett, we know that Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters are planning an attack on the International Confederation of Wizards' conference, where Asami Jun will be confirmed as the Supreme Mugwump. The scale of the attack is not known. This will take place in two days, and our goal is a controlled, hopefully peaceful removal of the Death Eaters."

Alastor Moody stumped up next to him, his wooden leg making the floors groan in protest.

"We're looking for people to go under cover at the conference – Marlene McKinnon's already put together a team of Aurors, but Dumbledore wants some of you lot there too. About ten should do it. Don't want to arouse too much suspicion. Ms Jun has already been notified, as have a few select delegates. If we fuck this up, it will go very badly."

A nervous titter ran through the crowd. Moody didn't smile.

"Any volunteers?"

Hands shot up.

"Potter!" Moody said, and James' head shot up, confused.

"No, not you boy. The pretty one."

Lily raised her eyes.

"Yeah – you and Prewett got wind of this whole thing. I'm putting you in charge of half the team. I'll be there in my official capacity as security, but I want someone inconspicuous and you're good at blending in."

Lily frowned. She wasn't sure if this was a good thing or not. And what if a Death Eater recognized her, somehow? What if they _knew_? She shook her head firmly. Paranoia wouldn't help her.

"'course," she said easily, grinning up at Moody. "Sounds like fun."

"Excellent, Mrs Potter," Dumbledore said, smiling approvingly, and Lily smiled back, the lies and the secrets buried deep within.

* * *

"The problem is," Marlene said, taking a bite from a bacon butty and swiping at her smeared lipstick. "Asami Jun has faced enough issues in Japan even being _appointed_ to the Confederation. Most people think she's too liberal but that's exactly why we need her. If anything goes wrong with this appointment, even the whiff of a Death Eater plot, we'll be pushed back another five years by the Pureblood factions. The whole affair needs to be flawless."

"The Malfoy's are working on a particularly nasty Muggleborn discrimination bill with my lovely family," Sirius Black chimed in, stealing a chip off of Marlene's plate.

James, Lily, Remus, Sirius and Marlene were grabbing lunch at the Leaky Caldron after the meeting.

Lily hadn't said anything so far.

Marlene had shot her a couple of odd looks, but no one seemed to notice anything amiss.

"We really need international support if we're ever going to deal with Voldemort," Remus added.

Lily took a grim swig of Butterbeer.

"Let's change the subject," James said hastily. "Er – Sirius, how's the motorbike? Does it shoot flames yet?"

Sirius perked up at that.

"Not yet, but I'm working on a controlled variation of _Confringo_ that I think has some potential."

"What about _Expulso_?" Marlene asked.

Sirius shook his head. "Won't work. _Confringo_ is an increase in local temperature, but _Expulso_ is an increase in local pressure. No explosions."

He looked disappointed by this, and Remus snorted.

"What about a flame-thrower?" Lily suggested. "You could augment it with magic – make it more powerful, or something."

"A flame-thrower?"

"Yeah – you basically shoot gas or something flammable out of the bike and then light it on fire. Muggles use them, they're cool."

Sirius beamed, excitement lighting his eyes.

"Why do you give him ideas like this?" James asked. "Why must you?"

"It's fun to watch your blood pressure rise, dear."

For a second, laughing and joking, it was easy to forget. It was almost too easy, and Lily felt a sudden rush of guilt.

"I think I'll research this," Sirius said firmly. "Lighting things on fire sounds excellent."

"Oh dear," Marlene sighed. "It'll be the Great Fire of third year all over again. Nicely done, Lily."

* * *

 _ **A.N. Thanks for reading, and thanks to the folks who left reviews!**_


	3. The Secret

_**Disclaimer...these characters belong to JKR**_

* * *

Lily had been debating exits with her team for what felt like hours.

"Look – this one is near the chocolate fountain – excellent for a diversion."

"What're you gonna do? Throw it at them?"

"If it comes to that."

Lily buried her head in her hands.

"Alice," she said. "Please don't throw chocolate fountains at Death Eaters. I know you had fun with the marshmallows the last time, but everyone else was trying to get burned sugar out of their hair for weeks. Your team mates will literally murder you if you try it with chocolate."

Alice Longbottom made a face at her. "It's called _improvisation_ , Lily. There's a whole class on it when you do Auror training."

"How is it improvisation when you're planning it ahead of time?"

Alice stuck out her tongue. So much for maturity.

Her team was small – herself and four others. James, of course. Alice Longbottom. Dorcus Meadowes. And Remus, who was in a corner, looking generally concerned.

Alice had finished Auror training only a month ago, but Lily had known her at Hogwarts. She was sweet, passionate and brave, and loved by most. She also had a regrettable habit of assaulting Death Eaters with sweets. The marshmallows had just been the icing on the cake.

Once, she'd enchanted a whole box of Drooble's Best Blowing Gum to tie up a Death Eater. It had taken a lot of _Scourgify_ 's and Magical Mess Remover to get him clean enough for Azkaban.

"We have to assume it'll be a fairly small force," Lily said, going back to her notes. "They wouldn't be able to smuggle many more through without notice. Dorcus has been checking members of the Black and Malfoy families against the names of those attending the conference, in the hopes that we might find some that aren't directly affiliated with the Death Eaters. At this point, the best bet is Polyjuice Potion, so Marlene and Moody's Aurors will be doing lots of security checks. We'll mostly be staying in the background and keeping an eye on things. And a word – please don't use any particularly nasty curses. War has a political side too, and if it gets around that we're using especially brutal curses, we're done for."

She felt a flutter of unease at the last part. It would be so easy to keep the secret for the rest of her life. She was a good liar. So was James. And Gideon was loyal to both of them, and grateful enough to Lily for saving his life. She was safe, but… _But_. It would be a secret that would weigh the three of them down for the rest of their lives.

She would never be able to take another deep breath. There would be dreams drenched in green, and lumps in her throat from unsaid words. It would be such a heavy thing to carry, this secret, and it would carve itself a home in her heart.

Lily shook her head.

"I have the list of delegates," Dorcus said, passing her some parchment. "The green checkmarks let you know if we're considering them suspicious. We'll do basic security checks on them all, of course, but mostly we'll just keep a closer eye on them during the event."

There were a lot of green ticks.

"Right," Lily sighed. "It's going to be a long night."

* * *

By the time the conference arrived, Moody had been snapping at so many people with such frequency that more than one younger member had been reduced to tears. After Frank Longbottom was berated loudly for choosing the wrong dress robes to blend in with, Marlene had taken him aside and had a quiet word with Moody, leaving him looking slightly shaken.

Lily wished she knew what she'd said.

The pep speech before they headed to the Ministry was not encouraging.

"There will be blood," Moody said solemnly. "There will be death. If someone falls, keep fighting. I don't care if it's your spouse, or your best friend, you keep cutting those damn Death Eaters down and cry later, got it?"

There was a quiet murmur of assent, and Lily spotted Dumbledore in the corner in magnificent purple dress robes, looking faintly bemused.

"Let's go," Moody said.

* * *

The ceremony was taking place in the Atrium – and it had been decorated gorgeously. The midnight blue ceiling was draped in gauzy silver fabric, and enormous candelabras floated in midair, bobbing gently from time to time. The lights had been dimmed, creating lots of cozy nooks around the space where you could sit and chat, and Lily saw that more than a few of them were full. It didn't at all resemble the stodgy diplomatic event she'd been envisioning.

The group of witches and wizards were dressed to the nines, milling around and sipping brightly colored drinks that wait staff handed out.

Lily and her group were stopped at the entrance by an Auror who looked them over closely.

"Ve are ze delegation vrom Bulgaria," James announced in a very loud and very bad accent.

The Auror rolled her eyes. "Tone it down Potter – don't attract too much attention."

James beamed and Lily squeezed his hand quickly before letting go.

The second they made it into the main party, Lily was accosted by a tall, handsome, blonde, man wearing a loud purple bow tie.

"Did I hear that you're the folks from Bulgaria?" the wizard asked in an American accent. He had a friendly smile, and his eyes were kind. His bowtie had penguins on it.

"Er – yes, vhat is I," Lily said, struggling to keep a straight face. She was fairly certain that the Bulgarian thing was Moody's idea of a joke.

"Henry Goldstein," the man said, offering his hand.

"Erm – Zlatka Petrova. It iz a plee-sure."

She scanned the hall carefully, making a note of everyone. That man with his hand in his pocket, was he reaching for a wand? She relaxed as he pulled out a handkerchief.

"So, Ms Petrova. What do you think of Ms Jun?"

"Her stance on ve Muggleborns iz good to zee. We ought to embrace our deefereences."

Henry Goldstein gave her a careful once over. "I agree with you completely, Ms Petrova. I think you and I should get on pretty well."

Lily smiled at him somewhat awkwardly. She could see Alice hovering by the chocolate fountain, Dorcus checking names off a list, and James telling jokes in his dreadful Bulgarian accent. She couldn't spot Remus anywhere.

"I must ve going," Lily told him. "I believe I zee a friend ov mine."

Henry Goldstein smiled back at her, his eyes neutral. "Of course, Ms Petrova. Enjoy the party."

Lily ducked back into the crowd. It was a nightmare. There were at least a hundred people there, dressed in brightly colored silks and velvets. When would the Death Eaters reveal themselves? Would it be a muttered spell, Asami Jun toppling into a horrified crowd? Or would it be a massacre, Death Eaters throwing off cloaks and sending Killing Curses into the group?

She shook her head, heading for James. He was gesticulating grandly to an amused looking Canadian witch, who was sipping mulled wine as James talked at her.

"Come, Aleksandar," Lily hissed. "I must speak to you."

James waved goodbye to the witch.

As she tugged him into a secluded alcove, she dropped the accent.

"Asami Jun won't be appearing until later in the evening, for the ceremony. For now, we just have to mingle and act natural."

James nodded. "Alright. And the Death Eaters said 8 o'clock, right?"

"Right."

The curtain in front of their alcove was swept aside, and James tensed, reaching for his wand, before Lily recognized a French delegate. She seized the front of James' robes, and kissed him firmly, trying to ignore the snicker from the French wizard.

He dropped the curtain, and Lily released James.

"We're working, Evans, try to be professional," James told her indignantly, straightening his robes.

Lily whacked his shoulder.

He looked ready to make another comment when he paused, frowning.

"What is it?"

James hushed her.

Lily listened, and heard a low murmur of voices coming from the closed off vestibule near their alcove.

"-perfect plan, _itoshī anata_. After the attack, I'll be viewed as a hero, and in the perfect place to take down the Confederation from within. After tonight, it'll all be over, don't worry."

It was a woman's voice, low, silky smooth, and confident. It sounded familiar.

There was a woman's worried murmur, but she was speaking Japanese.

"Don't be silly, they won't suspect a thing. The Order of the Phoenix has already warned me about the attack."

Lily had heard the voice before.

* * *

 _ **A.N. Thanks for reading!**_


	4. The Betrayal

_**Disclaimer... these characters belong to JKR.**_

* * *

She had heard it on the wireless. It had been speaking about Muggleborn rights and the importance of fighting back against the Death Eaters.

It was Asami Jun, the woman they were here to protect.

"We have to find Moody," Lily whispered urgently as they hurried out of the alcove.

James was pale and shaken, and Lily knew how he felt. Betrayal would always shock you, no matter how many times it happened.

"No time," James replied. "It's 7:55 already – we have to stop Asami."

As they passed the chocolate fountain, Lily pulled Alice out of the crowd.

"Change of plans," Lily told the younger woman. "Asami's a collaborator – she's helping them plan the attack."

Alice frowned, but seemed to take it in stride.

"The Floo lines are shut down, yeah?"

"If Asami's working with them, we can't assume anything's secure."

"I'll start shutting them down manually," Alice said, and sprinted away.

Lily had always loved this. The moment before a battle – seeing every possible outcome in your head before you made a move to begin. It was like chess.

And she had always been excellent at chess.

"If she wants it to seem like a full blown attack, rather than an assassination, I think they'll try to storm in, rather than infiltrate," Lily said as she scanned the crowd, wand in hand.

"You're most definitely not Bulgarian," someone said.

Lily yelped, spinning around, and Henry Goldstein caught her arm.

"I am not sure vhat you mean," James blustered, and Henry grinned.

"Drop the act. Who are you?"

"We're here to protect you," Lily said, opting for honestly. She wasn't sure she trusted Henry – they couldn't be sure how far Asami's reach stretched – but he seemed mostly curious, not accusative.

"I thought that was what the Aurors were for," Henry said lightly, letting his eyes wander over James and Lily.

"Let's just say we're extra security."

"Who do you work for?"

He still seemed mildly detached, his face calm, but his eyes sharp and focused.

"An organization committed to stopping Voldemort," James blurted out, and then slapped a hand over his mouth.

"Calm down, you didn't tell him anything important."

James let his hand fall.

"I'm sorry," Lily told Henry. "But we really can't tell you anything more, and we're in a bit of a hurry, so if you'd just excuse us-"

Henry moved to block her as she stepped away.

"Can I do anything?" he asked her, looking her in the eyes, unblinking.

"Just – keep people away from the fireplaces, yeah?" Lily said, before seizing James by his elbow and plunging into the crowd.

* * *

"All we can do is wait," James said, once they were situated in an alcove with a good view of the party. "There's not enough time to evacuate – and we don't even have the advantage anymore, now that Asami's working with them."

Lily shuddered. People would die tonight, she was sure, and she was powerless. She could see green curses flying, and remembered the awesome power of the light at her fingertips. Never again, she promised herself.

"Could I have everyone's attention, please!"

The person talking had cast the Sonoros charm, and his voice echoed off the high arched ceiling, bouncing and refracting until it was impossible to tell where it had come from.

"I'd like to introduce Asami Jun – the new Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards!"

There was a polite smattering of applause, and Asami Jun waved as she mounted the low stage.

She was a petite witch, doll like and delicate in a fluttery printed silk dress that made her look like a butterfly. She smiled widely at the crowd, and Lily understood.

There was something calming in her smile, and something inviting and something hopeful. She was charming and lovely, and she had the Confederation wrapped around her little finger. She was insidious and dangerous and she had led these people to a slaughter and they had gone willingly.

"Good evening!" she called, and her voice was low and sweet, in a direct contrast to the sharply intelligent voice that Lily and James had heard earlier.

As she took a breath to speak, there was a high shrieking noise, and then a dazzling explosion of blackness.

People cried out in confusion, and Lily felt around blindly, feeling for James.

"Help!"

It was Asami.

"Someone, please, help me! They've got me!"

"Fuck," Lily said, rubbing her eyes as the darkness cleared.

All around the room, masked Death Eaters held wands to the throats of panicked looking Confederation members.

Up on stage, Asami Jun was being held at wandpoint by a tall Death Eater. She was a good actor, and for a moment, Lily almost, _almost_ wondered if perhaps they had made a mistake, if they had heard wrong, if they had misunderstood.

But then Asami nodded slightly to the Death Eater holding her and the doubt evaporated.

And then Lily met James' eyes, and she was filled with horror. His head was forced up at an awkward angle, the wand tip digging into his throat. The Death Eater wasn't wearing a mask, and Lily recognized her. It was Bellatrix Black, the worst of Sirius' cousins.

James closed his eyes and Lily's heart broke. He thought he was dead. He thought he was helping, letting her do what she needed to do, knowing he wouldn't survive. They had chosen to fight, knowing it was unlikely that they would both survive. James thought that day had come. James thought he was freeing her. James thought this was the only way. Lily wanted to run to him. She didn't.

Instead, she aimed her wand at Asami on the stage, and Stunned her calmly. She slumped to the stage, and chaos ensued.

Confederation members wrenched free, some being cursed in the process, and Order members came swarming out from behind drapes and from under tables. Lily almost laughed as she saw Alice levitate the chocolate fountain and drop it on three confused Death Eaters.

Spells and cursed flew and Lily lurched forwards as she saw Sirius drop, hit by a green bolt. The screams and bangs turned fuzzy, and it felt like someone had hit her over the head.

She was aware of herself screaming as she saw James sprint forward, arms held out like he could catch his friend.

A Death Eater stepped in front of her and Lily cursed him without noticing, stepping over his prone body. She could see Death Eaters and Confederation members and more than a few Aurors and Order members falling, and she recalled herself.

Sirius would never forgive her stopping in the midst of battle to mourn him, and so she pulled herself up and started pushing her way towards the stage, to where a Death Eater was crouched over Asami's limp body, casting spells. Lily started to run, hurtling towards the Death Eater and bowling him out of the way and then Stunning him once he was down.

She yanked Asami, who was limply stirring up into standing and pressed a wand to her neck.

"Stop!" Lily screamed. She was counting on Asami being counted as a powerful pawn by the Death Eaters, but she realized her mistake as she saw a bolt of green light flying towards them.

Lily ducked instinctively before realizing it wasn't for her. It hit Asami right in the throat, and she suddenly went completely limp in her arms.

Lily dropped her, and ran into the crowd, no time to mourn her failed gambit.

* * *

It was a long battle. It was a bloody one. It was a heartbreaking one, that Lily felt more and more every second as she conjured sheets over bodies and healed minor injuries.

Sirius had been hit by a curse that had caused fairly serious internal bleeding, but a medi-wizard had taken one look at him, passed him a potion, clapped him on the shoulder, and moved on.

James and Remus hadn't left his side. Neither had Peter, once he arrived for the clean-up and to help the Aurors arrange transport for the captured Death Eaters.

Henry Goldstein was among the dead, and Lily felt a stab of icy regret through her heart, before promising herself that she would find his family and tell them how he had tried to help them.

* * *

After most of the damage was cleaned up, James found her sitting on the edge of the Fountain of Magical Brethren. There was a tear in her robes, and she picked at it absently as he wrapped an arm around her.

"You alright?" he asked quietly.

"Yes," Lily said, vaguely uncomfortable to realize it was true. "Are you?"

"I think so."

"I think I have to tell," Lily told him.

He spun to face her, hazel eyes wide and panicked behind his rectangular spectacles.

"No," James said fiercely. "No, I won't let you. You can't, Lily. Azkaban. For life. They'll never find out. Gideon will never tell, you know that. You don't have to be afraid."

"I'm not," Lily said, struggling to articulate what she wanted to say. "Just… James, I'm nineteen years old, and I've killed someone. On purpose. It wasn't in battle, when you blast someone into the way of a curse. It wasn't because I had no choice. I could have Stunned her. I killed her because I panicked and it was the only option I saw in the moment, and that's _no excuse_ – James please – you should understand-"

"I understand." James said quietly. "That doesn't mean I'll let you do this, Lily."

He looked around then, strangely, as if checking for anyone watching.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly, and then kissed her, and she heard him whisper, " _Obliviate_."

Lily's eyes went wide and panicked, and her heart was hammering, and then James pulled away from the kiss and smiled at her.

"You sure you're alright?" James said, stroking her cheek.

Lily smiled back.

The battle had been bloody and hard, but they were both ok.

"I think so," Lily said, and kissed him again.

* * *

 _ **A.N. Wow, wow, wow, everyone displays some fairly dubious morals in this chapter. The reason the Order didn't immediately warn the Confederation about the attack is Dumbledore's fault - I mean, he definitely still sort of believes in 'the Greater Good' and I think the Order's work would probably reflect this.**_

 _ **James and Lily - they're not idealistic teenagers anymore. They've been fighting this war for a couple of years, and they're not perfect people, and their relationship isn't perfect, and there will be some lapses in judgement. Such as wiping your spouse's memory so she doesn't remember committing murder and wanting to turn herself in. Or committing murder in the first place. Anyways, I just wanted to showcase the fact that even through they love each other very much, they have a lot of issues.  
**_

 _ **And thank you so much for reading! It'd be great if you let me know what you thought!**_


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